If Apple Ran Our Government

I pledge allegiance to the fruit of the pastel shades of Appletopia and to the coolness for which it stands, one nation under Jobs, inscrutable with appleLiberty and iJustice for all.

• The foreign policy would be largely defined as mocking the rival countries in public, but making financial deals with them in private.
• The country would not be a democracy in traditional terms, though those in power insist that everyone that lives there does so because they want to.
• The reigning world superpower would mimic every move of Appletopia, only four years later and with a lower tax rate.
• Boring government functions would be given French names or have i’s prefixed. The “Ways and Means Committee” would become the “iWays and Signifies Committee.” Following this renaming, every new press release from the committee would be speculated about for weeks in advance and people would camp out for their next meeting the night before.
• Government employees would be called Geniuses.
• The constitution would be called The Book of Jobs and it would list the basic rights of Appletopia society that would be inalienable. Until Jobs contradicts them, that is.
• iTaxes would be filed at the iTunes Tax store where everyone would pay $9999.99 per year, regardless of their income. Many argue that this is unfair, but the Book of Jobs says that flat rates are better for everyone because they “prevent the tax code from being confusing for the consumer citizenry and keep rates low.”
• The citizens would be dressed in pastel colors, government workers (Geniuses) in white, and the benevolent dictator in black turtlenecks and jeans.
• Due to the secretive nature of the government, this will be one of few nations where the citizenry actively spies on their government. This is partly condoned and partly outlawed by the Apple leaders.
• Every two years, you could vote for your new iParliament. The ballot has a single question on it: Would you like to upgrade to the next Parliament? The only options are Yes or No. The new iParliament will be a little faster and have a few new policies, but will look a lot better. And it will be named after a cat.
• The citizens of Appletopia, and especially the Mac-using state of Mac-achusetts, would generally get very upset at even marginal criticisms of their government. Even when written as satire.
• The government would set up Apple government embassies along the border and in foreign lands, each with white walls, bright lights, and cool people dressed in black. Shiny gadgets and a promise of a raised standard of living would draw hapless foreign citizens to ogle at the progress made in Appletopia. A choice few would actually be convinced to live in Appletopia forever. Most—unable to remove themselves from their comfort zone—would return to the bumpy roads of MS-land. A few, it would be rumored, would free themselves from the wants of the world, attain salvation, and ascend to the mythical Linuxland.